


the quiet thing that no one ever knows

by daisuga



Series: the things that stayed and did not stay [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, also happy endings for everyone, can this be accepted? no? okay, i have been a dick with all my deathfics, so here have my entry for iwaoi day 1: childhood, why do i keep on writing them with plots where there are car accidents in it? we will never know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 10:59:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2226573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisuga/pseuds/daisuga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because the truth will always remain as the truth.</p><p>The sky is up, the gym is there, and he is no longer playing volleyball.</p><p> </p><p>[On that day, one year ago, he realized that it was Iwaizumi that made his world a better place.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	the quiet thing that no one ever knows

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of an AU, I guess, that happens when they're second years. I can't give this pairing a break. Why can't I give this pairing a break? Please let me give this pairing a break.
> 
> This one's inspired by Bokurani Matsuwaru Etc! So please read that manga oh god it's s o good, what the hell,

Sometimes, when he passes by the gym, he finds it hard to breathe. 

Like something is squishing his lungs, and it spreads throughout his body, until his throat is constricting and his heart is down to the soles of his feet, head pounding and hands shaking. The ground will shake and the walls turn and his head feels like it's full of water and it's going to fall off, down to the ground, along with his entire being. But it's the same thing, still, no matter how much he feels like he's dying--

Because the truth will always remain as the truth.

The sky is up, the gym is there, and he is no longer playing volleyball.

 

 

So I wait for you like a lonely house.  
'Till you will see me again and live in me.  
'Till then, my windows ache.

  **Pablo Neruda,** _100 Love Sonnets_

 

 

"Oikawa...You look stupid right now."

Iwaizumi keeps on mumbling things, but Oikawa can't hear him--can't even see what was in front of him. He don't think he wants to. Because despite the gauze on his face, arm in a sling and bandages on his head, they can never amount to what state Iwaizumi is in, right now, and he just wants to forget this, forget everything. 

Iwaizumi can't even move.

He's lying on the bed, covers up to his neck, but Oikawa can see the damage, already. The monitor is now beeping the way it should when someone is alive, but it terrifies him. Iwaizumi, covered in bandages, looks so fragile, _so broken_ , and that's not how Iwaizumi should be. Iwaizumi is a beautiful battlefield; an empire that is strong and a wall he can always lean on, always standing, unyielding, constant. Yet, here he is, head barely turning, smiling at him with that gentle smile, and Oikawa hates all of it. He hates all of it, because it's his fault.

"Tooru...C'mon. Don't look like that." He's still speaking, and the tube connected with his mouth makes Oikawa sick. The IV makes him feel sicker. "Sure, I won't be playing anymore...But hey, at least I'm alive and breathing...yeah?"

Bandaged hands moved to hold his free hand--the one that's not in the sling. He closed his eyes, tears still falling, and it coming from Iwaizumi felt much, _much_ worse. His head throbbed, and he feels dizzier, but he just don't care. He wants to wake up. God, _please_ , let him wake up. This shouldn't even be a nightmare--it's too cruel, and he can't breathe.

He can't breathe.

"...Cheer up a little and let me see your smile, okay?" The beeping sound hurts his ear a lot, and the smell of the disinfectant is suffocating him. "Tooru..."

_He can't breathe._

 

 

…and she smiled and her face was heartbreaking.

  **Ernest Hemingway,**   _The Garden Of Eden_

 

 

"I said I won't go back," Oikawa walks faster, and Kunimi tried to catch up. "stop asking me to come back."

"But--!"

"Leave it."

He enters his classroom, shutting the door close with a loud slam. He straightens his back then walks into his seat, ignoring the looks of his classmates, that disappeared after. He's still popular, sure, but Oikawa becomes scary and violent, sometimes, when there's someone talking about baseball. At first it came as a shock, but now they learned to just not speak of it--he's still the same old pretty boy, anyway, if volleyball is not concerned.

"That was Kunimi, right?" said a voice from behind him, and Oikawa stopped for a moment, before willing himself to ignore it, but not before throwing out a reluctant "What of it?"

"Just asking," is the reply. "it's just a waste, and all that. Why not give it a go? The team will _always_ need you. They've never--"

"I'm not doing it," he barks back, frowning a little. "I'm not interested. Not anymore."

"Okay, if you say so," Iwaizumi leans forward, resting his head on Oikawa's shoulder, and Oikawa felt his chest tighten, breath running short, hands shaking--he moves away, pupils dilated, looking at Iwaizumi, before averting his eyes to not see the expression the other is wearing. Guilt vibrates throughout his body, but he tosses it out the window, fear and anxiety taking him--he has to get away, to get _Iwaizumi_ away from him. 

"I was serious when I told you to get away from me!" He stands up. "Nothing good will come out of it, and you know that better than anyone, don't you, Iwa-chan?"

He rushes out of the classroom, legs shaking, eyes starting to sting with tears. Away. He has to get away. _Has to_.

It's been a year and he's still running.

He can't breathe.

 

 

It’s like coming home after a long trip. That’s what love is like. It’s like coming home.

 **Piper Chapman,** _What is love?_

 

 

 

 

_They've been together since forever._

 

_Childhood friends, so to speak--it couldn't be avoided, really; Oikawa always clings to Iwaizumi, and the latter just can't leave the other. And so, it only makes sense that they got into the same sport, same team, always._

 

_For Iwaizumi, though, sharing memories with Oikawa is more important--more important than any wins, more important than any awards._

 

_That's all he could ever ask for._

 

 

 

You said the anger would come back  
just as the love did.

 

  
**Anne Sexton,**  “Again and Again and Again,”  _Love Poems_  


 

 

 

Iwaizumi's presence has always been bright and straightforward.

 

Many people will argue with him, he knows--Oikawa had always been the one who stood out more, the star shining brighter than most of them, and yet, Oikawa thinks that Iwaizumi is the stronghold of everything--the one that the ground cannot shake, whose words find home in everyone's hearts. Oikawa was adored and admired, but Iwaizumi was  _loved_. Not by that many, per se, because Oikawa keeps him, selfishness taking control of everything. From getting mad when Iwaizumi played with someone else back when they were eight, to pouting when someone shows interest in his spiker. But Iwaizumi was loved and treasured; he was a figure that you can lean to, resilient and forever, never waning, always standing.

 

For some reason, Oikawa always finds that a little overwhelming.

 

(A flashback of two bright lights coming at him. Him being frozen, dumbly staring at it, thinking, _this is it. This is how I die._  


 

Iwaizumi yelling his name.

 

Iwaizumi pushing him.

 

The rough pavement on his skin. Raw wounds. The smell of blood. 

 

Iwaizumi, on the pavement, red under him. _On the car. Over the road._  


 

That should've been him.

 

He can't breathe.)

 

 

Iwaizumi's brilliant light has always, _always_ been overwhelming for him.

 

 

 

How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything, but to be okay.

** Khalil Gibran **

 

 

"While his life is no longer in danger, his right arm and leg suffered extensive damage. It's still difficult to tell at this stage..."

Oikawa just sat there, his mother beside him, a warm hand on his back. Yet, he felt cold. He struggled to continue listening to the doctor, body tingling, eyes already wet with tears. _It's his fault_. 

"...but with intensive rehabilitation and physical therapy, they should be able to regain their basic functions." The clipboard was turned, and he held his breath. 

 

"However, I'm afraid volleyball is no longer an option."

 

 

 

 

_"Tooru...C'mon. Don't look like that." He's still speaking, and the tube connected with his mouth makes Oikawa sick. The IV makes him feel sicker. "Sure, I won't be playing anymore...But hey, at least I'm alive and breathing...yeah?"_

 

 

On that day, one year ago, he realized that it was Iwaizumi that made his world a better place.

 

‘You disappear so completely into your head sometimes,’ he said. ‘I wish I could follow you.’

  **Cassandra Clare**

 

 

So he ran. Because that's the best thing he's good at, next to volleyball.

 

 

 

 

"You know, Oikawa, it may not mean so much coming from me," their manager starts at, one day, when he managed to bump into her on the way home. "but it really is a waste, you know? I mean with your talent, you still being able to play...Iwaizumi-kun would've--"

"It's meaningless." He cuts in, getting in the train with her. 

"What is?"

He turns around. The sky is still blue outside. The train starts moving.

"Me playing alone."

 

"Without him out there, on the court with me, there's no meaning."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Welcome home," is what he hears when he enters his house, and he immediately feels the need to re-check if he entered the right house, because that's Iwaizumi's voice, he's sure of it.

Then his mom comes into view with a "My goodness, you're home late today," and the doting, "there's food in the fridge," to the usual "i'm going to go pick up your dad now," before leaving him with Iwaizumi, who is currently flicking through the television. Then silence, except for the constant chattering of the voices coming out of the television.

"Why are you even here?"

"I used to come here alot, before," Iwaizumi looks at him straight. "don't you remember? We used to be really close."

Something inside Oikawa churned in, and he feels that familiar chant of his insides--away, away, _have to get away_ \--so he stuttered out a "please leave if your business here is done," before rushing into his room, closing the door, dropping his bag and dropping down on his bed. His heart is still beating loudly, adrenaline in his veins, eyes wide. 

There's an extended moment of silence before he hears his door opening.

"Please leave me alon--"

"Sorry, I can't do that."

He sits up, looking back at Iwaizumi. The latter is just standing there, closing the door behind him and looking at Oikawa, wearing an expression that he always does when they talk about serious matters--when he calms Oikawa down, when he talks about his father, when he talks about graduating. And Oikawa can't look away.

"I have some business that I've yet to deal with."

"Iwa--"

"You know full well that I won't just take whatever gets dished out at me silently," Iwaizumi walked closer, until he's just standing before the bed, looking at him, something like pain and guilt flashing in his eyes. "I'm well aware, you know?"

Oikawa sucks in his breath, because Iwaizumi shouldn't be looking like _that_. He shouldn't be looking that devastated, like the world was cheated out from him, and at the same time as if he did the worst thing humanity can ever think of. He hates it--he hates those expression on Iwaizumi, because he knows them far too well and knows them more than anyone could ever do, probably, because he wears them all the time, specially at 3am, when he dreams of his best friend and everything comes crashing down.

"I know full well that for some reason, you feel responsible for what happened." Iwaizumi crawled into the bed, and Oikawa tried to move away, eyes never leaving the other, his back hitting the wall. But, slowly, Iwaizumi's arms moved to cup his face, gently, calloused hands moving across his cheeks. "So even if you keep on telling me to stop hanging around with you, or talking to you, I won't."

Then he's focused on Iwaizumi's face, and Iwaizumi is all over him--Iwaizumi is all that matters, and his chest feels warm, because it's so familiar, everything about this is familiar and he misses this, misses what he's been so afraid of, what he's been denying, for a year, every since that day. But Iwaizumi keeps his hold on him, eyes boring right through his sole, and he felt so loved, _so treasured_ , and _this_ is what Iwaizumi does to him, he suddenly remembered. This.

"Now, listen. We've always been together, even back then. It's been so long. You're like a part of me now," Then Iwaizumi's face contorted into a frown, and he looks like he's about to cry--something so rare and Oikawa feels like everything is too much, like something in him is going to burst. 

"I don't care so much as to what happens to my body, or if I can play volleyball for 200 years. But I know that I care about being beside you."

Silence, then the hands holding him started shaking. Iwaizumi started speaking, his voice turning into something akin to desperation, cracking and choppy.

"Is this...Is this how it's going to be forever?Are you going to shut yourself in for good?" Then he held him close, and Oikawa--Oikawa just started crying, and he felt heavy and something in him is lodged in, something in him is being torn and taken away. He feels the weight of everything he concealed, of everything he ran away from, and it hurts; it hurts and it's still hurting, and at the same time, he can feel Iwaizumi's pain, too. "Please, stop doing this. Tooru. Please."

He can't breathe.

He can't breathe, and his shaky hands move to grasp at Iwaizumi's shirt, pulling him down, closer, finding his voice, because he's tired. He's tired and he's hurting and he wants him back, to be completely honest, he wants Iwaizumi back, safe and sound and happy, like how they were before. He demands all of it to be back.

"For the longest time, I've been so afraid." He felt Iwaizumi move his head to try and look down at him. "I didn't know how I was going to talk to you, or act around you and the team. I don't even know what to say to you. I didn't know what to do at all, and still don't..."

Then he lets out a heavy breath--and suddenly, everything feels lighter, even by just a little. He moves back, looking at Iwaizumi's surprised face, before smiling at him--the first one he that ever felt real in a year.

"How long has it been since we got this close, Iwa-chan?"

Iwaizumi blinked, before smiling. "Whose fault do you think is that, idiot?" Then he leaned closer, holding on to Oikawa's shoulders.

"Do you mind if we get a bit closer?"

 

 

 

Oikawa holds him tighter.

The sky is up, his heart is still too loud, and Iwaizumi is kissing him.

 

 

 

But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.

   **Junot Díaz,**   _The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao_

 

 

 

"Hey, Trashykawa," Iwaizumi calls on, burrowing further down the sheets. "Are you sure about it?"

"Don't call me that, Iwa-chan," is the whining reply. "Sure about what?"

"About not playing volleyball."

Oikawa only held him tighter, making a small "Hm" sound.

Iwaizumi fiddles with the blanket for a second, before asking this time, "How about that--are you sure you're giving up, you know, girls this time?"

Oikawa laughed, though it's a bit muffled, due to him being so close to Iwaizumi's chest.

"Who cares? Iwa-chan, I've already decided long ago who my significant other will be." Iwaizumi looks down, and Oikawa looks back at him, a flustered yet happy grin on his face.

 

"It's only ever been you."

 

 

 

 

 

For you, a thousand times over.

   **Khaled Hosseini,**   _The Kite Runner_

 

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY ENDINGS FOR EVERYONE, WOW, THAT WAS A PAIN I WAS SO TEMPTED TO END IT BADLY,, ,,....happy iwaoi week everyone!! (though i posted this a day early, haha)


End file.
